Domestic Abuse

How can SASH support me?

SASH offer support and advice around sexual health, including counselling and coaching for those who have experienced sexual assault or domestic abuse. We can also help you access other services and organisations who can provide information, resources and legal advice, which is essential in helping you safely exit abusive relationships and begin the process of healing and recovery.

What is domestic abuse?

Domestic abuse and violence refers to when a person (a perpetrator) uses abusive behaviours to maintain power and control over another person or persons (their victim(s), usually in an intimate relationship.

Can anyone be a victim of domestic abuse or violence?

Whilst domestic abuse and violence occurs more frequently in intimate relationships, it can occur between anyone sharing a living space, including spouses, partners, other family members, child to parent, and even friends or housemates.

More often than not domestic abuse can escalate after a relationship has ended, which is called post separation abuse. This is probably the most dangerous time for a survivor as the abuse escalate and the risk of fatalities increase exponentially.

What kind of abusive behaviours are classed as domestic abuse or violence?

Domestic abuse and violence encompass a wide range of abusive behaviours such as:

• Coercive control (a pattern of intimidation, degradation, isolation and control with the use or threat of physical or sexual violence)
• Physical (eg hitting, slapping, kicking, punching)
• Emotional (eg name calling, belittling, humiliating, undermining)
• Psychological (eg isolation, intimidation, gaslighting, manipulation)
• Sexual (eg rape, sexual assault, reproductive coercion)
• Financial (eg controlling finances, stealing money, restricting employment, forced debt)
• Cyber (eg monitoring online activity, digital harassment, revenge porn)
• Stalking and harassment  (eg following, spying, unwanted contact)

Someone might also use neglect as a form of control, including depriving the victim of essentials such as food, medications, shelter, healthcare, or love and affection.
If the victim has any cultural beliefs, traditions or norms, the perpetrator may also use these as a way to control or harm them.

Why do a lot of victims not speak out or leave the perpetrator?

A question often asked when discussing domestic abuse and violence is 'why do survivors not speak out and get help during or even after the abuse has taken place'. There are many reasons for this, some which most don't even realise can play a factor into someone reporting their situation.

• Fear of Retaliation
  Between the reasons why someone may feel discouraged to report a domestic abuse perpetrator, one of the most common reasons is fearing of retaliation and having the perception to be even more at risk should the perpetrator not be successfully prosecuted. Also, the survivor will have an understanding that the abuse will escalate upon ending the relationship.
• Being Manipulated
  More often than not, the survivor not reporting is due to the perpetrator themselves manipulating and gaslighting them into believing they will not be believed, that the Police will not take action against them or they may be seen as being the one who is abusive.
• External Factors
  Some survivors are affected by mental health, substance misuse, disabilities and/or have unstable housing situation which can impact the ability to report. Furthermore, people who may have entered the country illegally are even more in a position of dependency on someone else for their survival, making it impossible to report any domestic abuse, and may be threatened with deportation or violence towards family members left in their country of origin.
• Their Children
  Other common reasons are related to children, including fear of Social Services involvement or that children may be placed into care, or fearing for the children safety, resulting in enduring the abuse for the “sake of the children”.

How do I tell someone if I'm in a domestically abusive or violent situation?

It is entirely up to you, however its important to consider:

• Who?
  We advise telling someone you trust, whether that is a friend or relative, reaching out to the police, or to a support service.
• How?
  You can tell them in whichever way you feel safe and comfortable, including over the phone by call or text, in person, by letter or email. Be mindful to not leave a trace behind that the perpetrator can read or hear.
• Where?
  Pick a location or setting that you are comfortable in and won't be worried about being overheard or observed.
• When?
  Set aside enough time so you can say everything you need to, and for the person you are telling to be entirely present in the conversation. If you are unable to get away from your perpetrator, picking a time when they won't be able to stop you from telling someone is vital.

What do I do if the person I told isn’t responsive or doesn’t believe me?

Your story and your experience is yours and yours only. It can be hard and even disappointing when someone dismisses or doesn’t show compassion towards your experience, but don’t let such responses invalidate your trauma. If you feel as if the support around you isn't enough or you need further professional support, organisations like SASH can help you.  

At SASH, we can provide trauma informed support and advice but also put you in contact with other services and organisations who can help you with legal proceedings and aftercare.